The Top Ten Signs That Your TEACHER Conference Isn't Going Well

by Suzy Red

9. As you arrive, the teacher asks if you can spare a Valium.

8. On behalf of the entire class, the teacher expresses sympathy for your marital problems.

7. The teacher says that you seem very intelligent and asks if your child is adopted.

6. The teacher asks how the snake is doing, and you don't know what she's talking about.

5. The teacher shows you $ 75 worth of dimes and quarters she found in your son's desk, and you notice how thin the other children are.

4. The teacher encourages your family to take a week long vacation the week of standardized testing.

3. You spot your missing Weight Watchers records on the bulletin board as a part of the Examples of Graphs display.

2. The teacher has a can of pepper mace stored in a shoulder holster.

1. The teacher tells you that she had hoped your son could be a tree in the school play, but he lacked the necessary acting ability.