And In the U.S., They're Forced To Buy Retail

by Mateo Burtch

Overall, the report noted that the situation for technical writers the world over is "precarious, and, in many cases, is worsening rapidly. In particular, writers in the Third World routinely live in poverty and squalor." (The report noted that this may apply to other people in the Third World as well.)

The report concludes:

To the twin I-beams of Democracy and Freedom one may add those of Technical Accuracy and Good Visual Layout. But these too are threatened by mankind's age-old nemeses: Bigotry... Hatred ... Right Justification. If the human race is not only to survive, but to prosper in the heart and in the mind and in the soul, technical writers must practice their ageless craft unencumbered by fear, privation, or schedules.

Some of the highlights of the Committee's report include:

• Worldwide deaths involving courier font have increased 9% over the past two years.
• Canada recently passed legislation making the passive voice the national language.
• In China's remote Dimsum province, oxen are used in place of technical writers, with no apparent loss of readability.
• In North Korea, police departments no longer use electric cattle prods to torture dissidents, replacing them instead with extremely slow and finicky daisy wheel printers.
• The Frame Technology Corporation now touts its product as "disposable."
• Torture of technical writers by roving gangs of hooligans known as "editors" is rampant in Northern Ireland, where sectarian violence between different spellers of "filesystem" runs out of control. One particularly gruesome form of punishment is "chopping": holding a writer down and then cutting the dangly thing off his cedilla.
• A similar practice is "stet-ing," the continual removal and replacement of chunks of text, leaving the writer dazed and confused. (Or more dazed and confused, to be exact.)
• A worldwide shortage of #2 pencils has left many technical writers in poorer countries unable to take notes or doodle during meetings -- forcing them to pay attention or end the meeting by flinging live poisonous insects at the other attendees.
• The Baath Socialist party of Syria has introduced the use of cuneiform stone tablets, which jam PostScript printers.

What can you do? Lots. Send a letter to the head of government of one of the cited countries; include a diagram with mixed fonts and at least one incorrect cross-reference. Show them you mean business. Or write to the UN High Commissioner on the Status of Technical Writers, stating that you are categorically opposed to the use of mustard gas during staff meetings and that you're still having problems figuring out which way the darn CD is supposed to go in. Or you can have a fundraising party, inviting all your technical writer friends and promising them that if they give a donation to Save the Tech Writers you'll cancel the performance art you had scheduled for the evening.

A copy of the report is available from the Copy Center and from your local samadzat.

--Mateo Burtch

(c) 1992 Mateo Burtch
Yes, you can forward this; just keep my name attached to it or I'll publicly link you with Ron Reagan.